They’re back.

other than having an incredible migrane from Risperidone withdrawal, I have to say that I’m hallucinating again. I saw a shadow of Dani yesterday, which means I may hallucinate even more and see her face in the future.

I woke up, and I saw this array of patterns from the corners of my eyes. They were distracting and overwhelming… And suddenly, they stopped. A few minutes later, I heard the most annoying noise coming out of a heat vent. That was also a hallucination. 

I’m scared. This has been about a week’s time of hallucinations. They might get more intense. I don’t want to go into public today, and it’s because I don’t want to hallucinate. Crowds bring on my hallucinations, and I sure as hell don’t need that happening. 

I still haven’t told my boyfriend that I’m schizophrenic.  It’s because I want to tell him when I’m face to face with him. And that scares me as well. He doesn’t know about the disorganized thinking and speech. He knows I’ve seen things in the past. I don’t know how to tell him. I really don’t. 

Just… Someone help me.

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16 thoughts on “They’re back.

  1. Sorry you’re going through this, Kayla. I can relate to the hallucinations. Did they increase your Abilify?

    Take deep breaths. One thing at a time. It’s a good thing that you’ll be seeing you’re boyfriend soon! He hasn’t noticed your disorganized speech in the past?

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  2. Phewww … poor you, that’s rough stuff to deal with.

    I think that if your boyfriend is going to be the one, or special, or whatever you want, that you’ll be able to sit with him somewhere peaceful and just tell him simply. He might be in shock when he hears it, so maybe you’ll get a reaction that freaks you out. Idk the guy … he might need time to process and absorb … hi might fling his arms tight around you … who knows. If he’s a special guy and right for you, however it plays out, you two will navigate through it. If not, then it’s better to know that asap.

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      • I think input/comments are really a soundboard for you and a way to brainstorm with you. At the end of the proverbial day, you’ll definitely know best.

        What genres of films, books, music, art, games etc are you into? I’ll tell you why I ask once you answer.

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      • When it comes to books, I like futuristic ones, or ones where the main characters defy society. I’m a big fan of action movies, at less recently. I also like video games that have a comedic aspect to them, like Saints Row. If it’s not a video game, it’s got to be intellectually stimulating to me, like sudoku or a word search puzzle.

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      • Violent films … reason I asked, is that one of the research papers I read suggested that negative/nasty psychosis can be partly caused by the media that a particular culture absorbs.

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      • I didn’t know that. That’s interesting.

        It sounds accurate, given my experience. My psychosis was horrible. I didn’t see anything violent though. Most people do, or so I’ve heard.

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      • They analysed psychosis (both hallucinations and delusions) by country and culture and only Western developed countries had the really negative ones, voices saying terrible things etc. The hypothesis is that that’s the case in western, as opposed to all developed countries, is that the west is geared for the individual, whereas societies like the Japanese one are community oriented.

        Fascinating!

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      • Huh. I’ve heard about individual vs. community, but I didn’t know western cultures had the worst bouts of psychosis. I wonder if there’s anything else that supports that.

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  3. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor to adjust your cocktail. They don’t always know best and sometimes we have to push. I’m sending strength vibes your way. You’re going to get through this! I also want to remind you that you’re an amazing person. If someone can’t handle everything that comes with you then they don’t deserve your tears or heart. You are amazing regardless of your diagnosis.

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    • I think it’s a withdrawal thing that happened. Right now, I’m not hallucinating, thank goodness.
      Thank you for the reminder! I actually had a tough time remembering that today. Sometimes, I need to be told that. Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

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