My family depresses me.

My family isn’t really such a family to me.  They bully me at times, and they ignore me at other times.  Take last Wednesday for example.

Even though I’m Native American, my genetics played out to where I look like I’m of Asian decent.  I admit, I do look like I am Asian, but my family pointed it out and kept pointing it out.  It lowered my self-esteem, made me feel really conscious of myself.  This hasn’t been the first time that they’ve teased me.  My mother called me fat on multiple occasions.  Even when I was little.

I told her that I wanted to be an ice skater, and she said I would break the ice and that I’d better lose weight.  She made me see a therapist about my weight when I was only 6. She put me in a weight loss class for obese children when I was 7 or 8.  And all I keep hearing in my mind is that I’m huge, I’m fat, and I’ll always be fat.  So all of the bullying from my mom really scarred me.  Don’t forget that my words aren’t important.  She ignores me the most, and I wait like an idiot in hopes she’ll listen to me.

My sibling has Aspergers.  He is unmedicated, and he’s taken some anger out on me.  He’s told me he hates me on multiple occasions.  He flat out ignores me and would rather play video games than talk to me.  All I really want is a brother, but my brother is only one by blood.

My aunt is very judgmental.  She finds race to be a determining factor in dating.  She also doesn’t like LGBT people.  I happen to be LGBT.  She doesn’t know it, but I am genderfluid and I’m bisexual. (In case you didn’t know, my sexuality changed; I was asexual because I was depressed.)  I had on a sports bra and my hair was cut short because I like my hair short.  It was a day where I felt like a guy, so I was just expressing myself.  She said I looked like a lesbian who was trying to be a guy.  And that hurt me so much.  I almost cried in front of her.  What’s worse?  My grandmother defended her.  I felt like I was alone and no one accepted me.

I’m just tired of my family.  I’m so depressed here. I want to just get a job and save up for an apartment so my boyfriend could live with me.  He’d never hurt me like they do.  At least I know he’d care for me a lot more than these “family members.”  I’m just done with them.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “My family depresses me.

  1. You’ve heard the expression, “With friends like that who needs enemies…” The problem w/ coming from a toxic family background is that we often choose partners who are also toxic. Be careful and I’m glad you are able to get this out 😦

    Like

  2. when I get down I try to find things to look forward to. In your example moving in with your boyfriend is something to work for. I know moving in with my girlfriend was and is amazing, hope that helps!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s