Something Personal. { Trigger Warning }

I’m starting to open up about some pretty deep things, and I think that I’m ready to talk about some things that really need to be put out there.  I don’t want to bottle anything up; I’m getting over that initial fear of sharing.  So, I wanted to say something that no one knows about. I want to talk about it because I’ve been thinking about it more and more, and I want to find some sort of peace with it. So, I’m going to share right now.

No one knows this, but 4 or 5 years ago, I really struggled. I was 15 at the time, and I didn’t only struggle with self-harm, but I had thoughts of suicide.  I was so close to acting on them one night because there was this guy that I really liked, and he knew I liked him.  He decided to shatter my heart when it was already damaged enough and he didn’t care.  So, I told him to shut up and I told him that he was hurting me and that I never wanted to speak to him again.

Then I picked up some scissors, which were sharpened, I remember that.  I was going to cut my wrists really bad.  Every cut would symbolize a guy that hurt me, and the deeper the cut, the more the guy had hurt me.  The last cut would be the one that killed me, as was the guy that it was supposed to represent.  Needless to say, I didn’t because of a song that played on the radio.  I wasn’t so religious back then, but I remember crying my eyes out and praying for someone to help me and give me a direction in life.

It was stupid, but I promised myself if I heard a certain popular song on the radio that I wouldn’t kill myself.  And that lasted for days and weeks and months.  It lasted me up until the day I met my best friend.  He saved my life.  Later, I found out I saved his.

Fate has a weird way of bringing people together, and now that best friend likes me for more than a friend, and he’s my boyfriend.  Those were the darkest days of my life.  I didn’t trust any guy during that time, my anxiety and depression were at a all time high.  As a matter of fact, I had a panic attack before approaching him; that is how stressed I was meeting another guy.

But, I’ve progressed, and I’m not majorly depressed.  I’m bipolar or schizoaffective or whatever. I’m just moderately depressed. I’m getting better. That’s all I wanted 4/5 years ago. I also wanted my new friend’s heart.  Now he’s my best friend, and I have his heart. How much has changed! Maybe it’ll change even more for the better.

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2 thoughts on “Something Personal. { Trigger Warning }

  1. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. I love that I came to WordPress and found all of you. I seriously hope that we can all change for the better and find more reasons to keep hanging on.

    Liked by 1 person

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