“Be Honest From Now On.”

So, this may have been brought up jokingly from my boyfriend, but I suppose I keep things from him. I don’t trust him, and I’m aware of that. I realize I have some issues, so I think I’m going to talk about some things and vent a little about the past so that I can try to trust him in the future. So, here it goes.

I’ve never trusted anyone in life, especially males. I got hurt pretty bad by my dad at a young age, and I don’t talk to him. He’s not in my life or anything, but he’s hated me.  Speaking of hate, my brother flat out told me at one time that he hated me, and I haven’t really been able to forget that since he told me.  So, I’m cursed with family and convinced that every male in my family hates me.

Guys that I’ve liked in the past have hurt me too. They were cool until they bullied me or they weren’t interested in me. One guy even wrote me an essay as to why we wouldn’t work. It was because of a 3-year age difference, and part of it must have been that I was overweight.

There was a guy that I really, really liked, and we were getting really close at a point in time; I made one mistake, and he yelled at me. I had a panic attack and I hurt myself because of that.  Another one knew that I liked him, and he continued to talk about another girl: how he slept with her, how there was a pregnancy scare… And that night, I was supposed to die because he had hurt me so bad.

Guys have told other people what I said to others in confidence.  Guys have let me down.  I’m paranoid when it comes to guys liking me because there will always be a part of me that thinks that they’ll leave me again or they’ll hate me or I don’t deserve them. So that’s why I’ve been hiding stuff. I don’t want to let anyone too close and then they go and laugh behind my back. I don’t want them to hate me.

To me, it’s easier to live a lie than to trust.  Trusting someone makes me anxious.  I will have panic attacks over people knowing more and more about me.  That’s why I don’t have much luck with friends, especially guy friends. I don’t trust guys because they’ll either cling onto me or they’ll make fun of me. I don’t. I just don’t.

And I know I sound really anxious and paranoid, but I can’t help it. How do I get past this?


One thought on ““Be Honest From Now On.”

  1. You and I sit on a similar boat. My father was never a part of my life. I’ve had my brothers tell me I shouldn’t have been born (in moments of anger, but the words still hurt and I wonder if they truly meant them in some way.) I never trusted men. Then, I met a man who supposedly loved me like crazy… but while I was contemplating suicide and going through the worst depression in my life, he was cheating on me (and had a child from that affair.) All male doctors I’ve ever had have also been insensitive jerks.

    Needless to say, I don’t trust males.

    Sometimes there’s just no easy work-around that.


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