I still feel incredibly sad today. Well, I don’t think sad is the word. Depressed is the word. It’s been quite a while where I don’t feel much like eating, and all I can really handle is some apple juice. I didn’t get the best sleep last night. It took me about 20, 30 minutes to fall asleep.
I was also thinking about dying and how it must be like to die… I was also debating on overdosing on my anti-anxiety med. It could knock out a person with 100 mgs, and I figured if I took 150-200, I’d die pretty quickly. The problem was that I was too lethargic to do it, so I didn’t.
Sleep didn’t help either. I had a dream someone committed suicide, and I became extremely jealous of them. It was a rather gory dream, and there was blood everywhere. Still, I woke up envious of that fictional person.
I tried going on YouTube to find a video that helps with suicidal people, but a video made me feel worse. Another one kind of scared me to not kill myself, which can only be effective for so long.
I don’t want to call a hotline because I feel like I brought this on myself. I’m so unhappy, and I really would love to just end it all right now. I just have no motivation, and in a way, it’s the only thing keeping me alive.
I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t.