It’s getting harder. {Trigger Warning}

I still feel incredibly sad today.  Well, I don’t think sad is the word. Depressed is the word. It’s been quite a while where I don’t feel much like eating, and all I can really handle is some apple juice. I didn’t get the best sleep last night. It took me about 20, 30 minutes to fall asleep.

I was also thinking about dying and how it must be like to die… I was also debating on overdosing on my anti-anxiety med. It could knock out a person with 100 mgs, and I figured if I took 150-200, I’d die pretty quickly. The problem was that I was too lethargic to do it, so I didn’t.

Sleep didn’t help either. I had a dream someone committed suicide, and I became extremely jealous of them. It was a rather gory dream, and there was blood everywhere. Still, I woke up envious of that fictional person.

I tried going on YouTube to find a video that helps with suicidal people, but a video made me feel worse. Another one kind of scared me to not kill myself, which can only be effective for so long.

I don’t want to call a hotline because I feel like I brought this on myself. I’m so unhappy, and I really would love to just end it all right now. I just have no motivation, and in a way, it’s the only thing keeping me alive.

I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t.


4 thoughts on “It’s getting harder. {Trigger Warning}

  1. You recently wrote that you would start another blog – focus on that. Write about what else you would like to do and then do one of them (or start on it). I tried to commit suicide when I was 25 and came to believe that God was the one in charge of when I live or die. I was disappointed at the time that I did not succeed but later I had a son – he is 27 now. I also have a lot to say in my writing. I am not 100% happy w/ my life but there is a lot I would not have enjoyed if I had died that day. Give it another 24 hours (that’s what they mean by one day at a time) Find something that you enjoy and just do it. Then tomorrow, give it another 24 hours. Meanwhile make an appointment and be honest about how you are feeling. The last time I was suicidal (probably 3 months ago?) found out it was an adverse effect from my med, a real easy fix!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Please understand that what you are going through are symptoms of a disease.

    Depression is not a character flaw, it is not something you’ve brought on yourself, but is rather the result of brain chemistry.

    I was a military medic for 20 years, and have spent the last 15 in healthcare IT….and I’m Bi-Polar with ADHD.

    I understand too, from first hand experience, when you say that your lack of motivation is the only thing keeping you alive…

    There’s no solution that works for everyone. I was in a near suicidal depression from Dec through to about a week and a half ago.

    Now things are fine…

    I kept talking…to anyone who would listen….I held on to each positive comment like they were gold….I let go of all the negative (which is like a super hero feat when you’re depressed).

    It took a while, but here I am….

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and meditation….and hope you find the strength to get through this…

    You matter…you really do…


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