Things I Haven’t Talked About

Hey, so I thought I’d enter in a 3rd blog.  I’m pretty hypomanic since school started, and this is kind of good in my opinion. That way, I can get some writing done.  Anyways, I was reading about mental illness, and I thought that I’d share some things that I have noticed in the past, have gotten slightly better, but is still there.  I have no idea if it’s something else, but I am willing to document and see.

Fear of Abandonment

I am afraid that every person I know in life is going to abandon me at some point. When I found out I may be schizoaffective, I took it really hard. It’s because I pictured my boyfriend and my family just up and abandoning me. I still feel as though they’ll leave if it comes out, which is why I’m keeping this between me and my therapist as of right now.

Identity Disturbance

Half of the time, I question my sexuality.  Am I really an asexual person or am I bisexual? Perhaps I’m pansexual. All I know is that I’m something other than straight. Maybe I want to be a nurse. Nope. Now I want to be a psychology major. Maybe a human services major will suit me more.  The list goes on and on. I don’t know how to react to these thoughts, but I’m kind of wondering if it is something else.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

Ever since I’ve gotten bumped up to 2 milligrams of Risperidal, I felt like myself… Except I found out quickly that myself involved some form of emptiness. Sometimes, I’ll laugh… Out of emptiness.  I’ll cry… And feel empty.  I’ll feel anxious… but empty. It’s weird.

Antisocial Behavior/Favorite person 1 minute, hate them the next?

Now, this is something.  I try to avoid people as much as possible.  When I do have to talk, I tend to enjoy it a lot.  Once you get me talking, it’s like you can’t make me stop. But, for the most part, I’ve limited contact to my immediate family and a couple of friends, 3 at the most. Even then, I don’t feel like engaging with them unless they engage with me. If they don’t engage with me, and then they go and talk to another person, I feel left out.  Then I say that I don’t need them and that they’re not worth my time.  It’s really hard to explain.

These are things that I’m noticing as well, but I’m not sure if these are crucial for my switch in diagnosis. Maybe someone else with schizoaffective disorder can relate to this.  If they can’t, then that may mean something for my diagnosis…

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2 thoughts on “Things I Haven’t Talked About

  1. So on your last point — the love you now, hate you later bit. I feel like this exactly. Of course, my thing is… exhaustion. I’ve spent most of my life pretending to be everything I am not and now all the energy I wasted keeping up appearances makes me reluctant to start new relationships. The therapist says I need them, especially to help fight my agoraphobia, but I’m just like… “Meh, what’s the point?” in which I then I cycle to your first point, the abandonment thing. It’s tiresome. I’m not even 30 and I want to just retire, but I know this may be a phase… as it’s been other times.

    Just hang in there and keep moving.

    Like

    • I totally understand what you mean. I’m really exhausted, and I’m only 19. And I’m also familiar when you say that you don’t want to form new relationships. Nice to know someone else deals with it as well.

      I wish you the best as well!

      Like

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