Hallucinations and the Like {Trigger Warning}

I must say, I’m getting annoyed with my mind. I’m hoping that the new dose of risperidal will kick in soon. If it doesn’t, I’m gonna continue to get worse, and now, there’s another hallucination or 2 that have popped up. I’m scared, frankly…

The first one is singing.  Yes, singing, especially of spiritual hymns.  I thought I was thinking it until I realized it came out of nowhere and it was extremely vivid.  It’s scaring me, given the fact that I haven’t gone to church in 2 weeks. I don’t know if it appears if I miss church or if it gets worse because of church.

The other one is one that was weak before. Thayer kept fighting that one off, so to speak.  This one is a female that criticizes what I eat, every single time I’ve eaten. If I eat too much for its standards, it wants me to go into the bathroom and purge what just went down my throat.  It wants me to starve, and it’s obsessed with me losing weight. I’m scared of it, and I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m not going to lie to you, hurting myself has made them go away for about 3 days.  Maybe 4.  I’m starting to wonder if I should hurt myself so that they’ll stop.  People say that I shouldn’t, but no one knows what I’m going through.  I hate living in fear like this.

I don’t want to self-harm anymore.  The last time I did, I left 2 scars on my skin, which is new for me to do.  But… I might have to. I’m just really conflicted, and I’m scared, and I don’t know any good coping skills.  If someone could help me — anyone — I’d appreciate it.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Hallucinations and the Like {Trigger Warning}

  1. I’ve just got taken off risperidal, it personally lowered my auditory and visual hallucinations quite a bit but for me the side affects were pretty bad so after 3 months I’m now getting taken off it. I do hope it starts working soon, it works better with time I assure you.

    Much love x

    Like

      • Yes i’m getting put onto some more meds but yeah I do hope it works out for you, its definitely a good medication because it can be long term (as there’s no addictive qualities)

        Like

      • Yeah. The thing about it is that there’s only up to 4 mgs of risperidal that they wanna treat me with. I’m on 3 mgs right now, so I’m worried that it won’t work…

        Like

      • Try not to worry sweets it all takes a while to work. The amount of it builds up in your system so it works more the longer you take it (up to a point)

        Like

    • I was put in the corner till i was like 18. I started to cut in the corner. Then at age 27 is when I started hearing the ” bullies”. It became clear that cutting wouldn’t work anymore. Important now 32 and I haven’t cut since. I don’t think it will help you either and I offer my empathy for what you are going thru.

      Like

  2. Hurting yourself to stop the hurt. I understand. It can feel like control over the noise in your head. I get that. I’ve been there.
    I suppose I’d worry – where does it stop. If it’s 2 scars this time, will it have to be 3 scars another time.
    It was suggested to me once – when thinking of all the choices you make – what does least harm. Go for that.
    I know that sometimes the choices seem very limited.
    Wishing all the best

    Like

  3. Pingback: On self harm | Shouting into the silence

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s