I must say, I’m getting annoyed with my mind. I’m hoping that the new dose of risperidal will kick in soon. If it doesn’t, I’m gonna continue to get worse, and now, there’s another hallucination or 2 that have popped up. I’m scared, frankly…
The first one is singing. Yes, singing, especially of spiritual hymns. I thought I was thinking it until I realized it came out of nowhere and it was extremely vivid. It’s scaring me, given the fact that I haven’t gone to church in 2 weeks. I don’t know if it appears if I miss church or if it gets worse because of church.
The other one is one that was weak before. Thayer kept fighting that one off, so to speak. This one is a female that criticizes what I eat, every single time I’ve eaten. If I eat too much for its standards, it wants me to go into the bathroom and purge what just went down my throat. It wants me to starve, and it’s obsessed with me losing weight. I’m scared of it, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I’m not going to lie to you, hurting myself has made them go away for about 3 days. Maybe 4. I’m starting to wonder if I should hurt myself so that they’ll stop. People say that I shouldn’t, but no one knows what I’m going through. I hate living in fear like this.
I don’t want to self-harm anymore. The last time I did, I left 2 scars on my skin, which is new for me to do. But… I might have to. I’m just really conflicted, and I’m scared, and I don’t know any good coping skills. If someone could help me — anyone — I’d appreciate it.