I feel good, so I’ve decided to write another post today. This time, the hallucination is not about a character. Oh, let me tell you about the nameless and most vivid hallucination I’ve ever had: a replica of my boyfriend.
Unlike my boyfriend, who is a shade below vampire skin, wears a hoodie and blue jeans, and is beyond nerdy, this hallucination scared the living crap out of me. He wore nothing lighter than a plum color, and he stared at me as though he was going to tear me apart. I had a panic attack and began crying. This was the only time I’ve seen him.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve heard this voice a million times. It’s had conversations with me. He’s helped drive me to do some disturbing things, and other times, he’s helped me analyze what’s been going on in my life…
It’s hard to say if he is good or bad; I suppose it depends on his mood.
Now, I did tell my boyfriend about this after he made a joke about watching me. (That caused a panic attack, actually one of the worst I’ve had.) And, I’m kind of glad I did. He was the one that convinced me to go on meds and get it checked out. Thank God I have someone like him.
But, at the same time, the hallucination scared me so much that it was extremely hard to confide in him. There have been times where the “evil boyfriend,” you know, the hallucination, had started gossiping about me… While my actual boyfriend was sitting right beside me. I had to make sure he wasn’t saying anything bad about me.
So, Schizoaffective Disorder really does impact my relationship. It stinks, but I suppose it could’ve been worse.